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Funny Sayings from Comedic Pets

By Julia Williams

The advent of the internet has given dogs and cats a voice like never before. True, talking animals have been around for a very long time in literature. However, it was oft said that no good writer would ever stoop to such low levels.

Nowadays, you can’t be an animal lover and spend time on Facebook without seeing dozens of witty quips every day, made by the animals themselves of course. The lack of opposable thumbs for typing appears not to be a hindrance for these clever pets who are always coming up with funny quotes to amuse their fans.

I must confess that when I read their humorous status updates, I never think “Haha, Fluffy’s owner is so hilarious.” No, in fact I don’t think about the human at the keyboard at all. Ever! And gauging by the thousands of fans I see interacting with animals on Facebook every day, I am not alone.

Vive la animals! Here are some of the things they’ve said lately that made me laugh:

“Every morning my human shaves off all of his face fur. He’s funny like that.” ~ Tuck the Cat, Shelter Pet Project ad

“Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take. I’ll be watching you.” ~ anonymous dog

“Sometimes it's better not to ask why the cats do the things they do.” ~ Phaedra and Phriends

“Did anyone ever stop to consider that maybe it's boxes that like cats?” ~ Henri, le Chat Noir

“Day 2 of my diet and I'm doing some wishful shrinking. The trouble is, I can resist everything except temptation!” ~ Uggie the Artist

“House Rule: If you get out of bed for any reason, you forfeit the warm spot.” ~ anonymous cat

“Kim K's prego? I thought I was neutered...” ~ Colonel Meow

“My cuteness can fix your Monday"..........Poof ♥” ~ anonymous adorable puppy

Cat To Do List:
1. Eat
2. Sleep
3.Totally freak out at midnight

“If you didn't want my paws in your glass of water, why did you leave it on the counter?” ~ Cooper the Photographer Cat

“Get it straight. It’s my bed. I make space for THEM!” ~ Venus the Amazing Chimera Cat

“This hand shaking ritual you humans have is quite odd. I shake your hand, you give me a treat ... works for me, I suppose.” ~ Boo, the adorable Pomeranian

“A cat has every right to expect that when a human opens the refrigerator or kitchen cabinet, he'll pull out some food and share that food with the cat.” ~ Prudence the Cat, in Love Saves the Day by Gwen Cooper.

“And on the seventh day, I rested...just like the other six days.” ~ Henri, le Chat Noir

Hey Joey...this poodle loves his sweater!
“It's not that I don't appreciate my sweater vest gift from a sweet fan. It's just I don't appreciate Tom thinking he could get me to wear it. I'm not a poodle, dude. SO STEP BACK!” ~ Joey the Garden Cat

And lastly, for good measure, here are a few funny quotes about pets, made by humans:

“If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”  ~ Phil Pastoret

“I haven't made any New Year's resolutions for my cats, but my cats have apparently resolved on my behalf that I'll start getting up to feed them a half-hour earlier. ~ Gwen Cooper, author

“I named my dog Stay so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.’” ~ Steven Wright

“Muffin! What are you doing? Do you think I put that pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer there just so you could snuggle in them? (Muffin yawns). You’re right. Dumb question.” ~ Opal, from the comic strip Pickles.

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein

Top photo by Rick Wasser
Bottom photo by mbtrama

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