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How to Make Your Human Do What You Want

By Rocky Williams

I am ecstaticat that my “Warden” is letting me write another guest post here. Well, actually I demanded it, and since I have her wrapped around my little paw, she had to say yes. So today I want to offer a sort of “public service” post for the cats of the world. First things first – all human beans need to click away now – this information is not for you! Don’t make me hunt you down and claw you up, because I will.

Okay…onward. As a cat, I’ve learned many things about how to get my way. Once you understand a few simple rules, your Warden will be putty in your paws, and you’ll be able to do anything you want to.

Rule #1: Be Persistent

When my Warden is lying on her back in bed, her plump tummy makes a very comfy pillow. I climb onto it. “Ooof, Rocky! You’re too heavy,” she says, pushing me off (yes, I am a BIG boy!). Undeterred, I climb back on. She pushes me off, again and again. But here’s the thing: a determined cat will always be able to outlast a human bean. Guaranteed! All you have to do is be persistent, and eventually they will give up. I use this technique for when I want to counter surf too. The Warden knows it’s fruitless to make me get down, because I’ll just get right back up there.

Rule #2: Be Annoying

I use this technique when I think it’s time for my noms but the Warden is still in bed. I do things like rustle plastic bags, scratch at the door, paw the dresser drawer open, claw the carpet, and bite the fleshy part of her arm – basically, anything that will irritate her enough so she has to get up to make me stop. It works like a charm!

I also use this technique when it’s my dinner time but the Warden won’t stop typing. I jump up on her desk and rub my furry self all over her monitor. I walk on her keyboard making sure to hit the delete key at least once. I meow loudly in her ear, chew on her papers and just generally make a nuisance of myself any way I can. It doesn’t take long before she realizes that whatever she’s writing will have to wait until after I get my noms.

Rule #3: Be Noisy

My cellmate Mickey and I work together on this technique that we use to get the Warden out of bed, or when we want her to pay attention to us. We engage in mock battles, making loud war cries that sound like we’re in a fight to the death. It’s all fake, but we sound so convincing that she rushes in to save us from each other. Haha!

The noisy technique works wonders for mealtimes too. Mickey, Annabelle and I all begin meowing incessantly in the kitchen whenever the Warden is in there. We meow so loudly and plaintively that it makes her race to give us our yummy FELIDAE cat food just to shut us up.

Rule #4: There’s Power in Numbers

As I said above, my cellmates and I often team up to get the Warden to do what we want. So if you live in a multi-cat household, it’s infinitely easier to get your human to do what you want! No matter which technique you employ, you’ll get your way much faster if you join forces with the other feline inmates.

I hope you find these four tips helpful for training your human. And remember – it’s your house; you just allow them to live in it with you, because they feed you!

P.S. That's me in the photo, when I was inky dinky.

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